I look forward...

I look forward to when my body adjusts to the Synthroid so that I can effectively burn calories and have the energy to dispel through exercise again.  I had to go three weeks in an energy-deprived body to prepare for my RAI treatment, and now it will take a few weeks for my body to adjust to getting out of its hypo state.  I'm not too worried about weight gain.  I'm just waiting for the time where I can be running the treadmill again and back to my lifestyle the way it was before the big C.  Next Wednesday I hope to receive a clean bill of health.  You know I will be posting about it when I do. :)  Excited to get there.  For now, my body is healing and it is not in a state to deprive it.  I am doing light exercise on my recumbent bike which the hubby pulled upstairs to put in my isolation room.  I do not have much energy to go around though, so I have to be cautious about overworking myself.  I cleaned a bit yesterday after sleeping all night and day because it was after the third day of my isolation, and I needed to remove trash, laundry, bedding, and mop and wipe down surfaces and clean the shower and toilet to remove my radioactive residue while it was at its highest.  Now I have four more days and then I will need to do it again.  I was beat after one hour.  The hubby cannot touch these items though, so it had to be done.  I miss my kitties.  They are confused as all get out why mommy isn't letting them cuddle with her like usual.  I know, babies.  I know.  I miss you, too.  Having them near me helps me heal.  Right now it's not safe because their mommy is still sick.  They don't understand.  They sleep against the door--have been for four days.  Heartbreaking and precious.

My senior project is coming along nicely.  My time in isolation has been giving me uninterrupted time to work on it.  No worry about giving attention to my husband or the kitties.  I sleep, play on the computer, read, eat, and work on my project.  I've been webcamming with my mom, which is nice.  I've been watching the rain out of my big pretty window, and that is my favorite.  It's been raining a lot and will continue for days.  I'm living hour by hour, day by day, and that is best for right now.  I have some light projects to do as I am part of the graphics committee for our senior show in early May, and that has given me a boost.  Before I was put on fundraising, and that was not helpful for either party as I don't have the desire nor the ability to do such an activity from where I am.  I took it upon myself to switch to where I felt my talents could be utilized, and in regaining that sense of control, I feel more upbeat and positive about my contribution to the graduating class and to myself in general.

Life is good.

Wow

So, now that I am no longer required to eat a low-iodine diet, I can have chocolate again.  In preparation for this (started late Friday), I got myself these new amazing chocolates by Dove, Silky Smooth Coconut Creme Milk Chocolate Eggs.  But when I eat them, as good as they are, they leave me feeling blah.  All I want is fresh fruit.  Three weeks was definitely long enough to change my tastes.  My hubby has been bringing me my food during my isolation period, and the fresh pineapple and strawberries the size of my head are sooooooo good.  I think the chocolates will go into a drawer, and I will have one once in a while when I need a nip of chocolate and coconut.  Who knew!?

Update on Treatment

Today I had my full body scan and received my dose of I-131.  The scan showed that I did have some cancerous activity in the remaining thyroid tissue so they gave me a larger dose to make sure it gets taken care of.  I have a week of safety precautions now and am all set up for that.  I'm feeling better about it than I was this morning.  It's just scary.  I know everything will be alright eventually.  Well, not KNOW.  Just being positive.  I've met several people who have been through this that ended up having multiple surgeries over the years and there are other complications like permanent vocal cord damage, other cancers, and spreading.  I will be getting scans every 6 months and then every year to try to prevent that.  I found out yesterday that Roger Ebert no longer can speak because of all his surgeries for thyroid cancer.  There are actually several celebrities who have endured this type of cancer.  I am finding that the support group I went to has helped me to get more in touch with the real feelings associated with all of this instead of the ones patients often put out there to make other people feel comfortable or rather not feel uncomfortable.  That is a blessing for me to be able to just exist in the room with the other survivors and not even have to speak, and we just know how each other feels.  :)

Lately

Yesterday, my mom came over for a visit, and she tagged along on my trip to school to meet with my professor to look over the progress of my senior project.  Then we came home and went for a short walk outside since it was warm enough.  James shot some nice images with his new digital SLR camera and here is one of Mom and me.  I got worn out pretty quickly since I'm hypothyroid right now, so my energy reserves empty fast.



James made me some homemade salsa which was delicious which I got to eat with some salt free chips he found at Trader Joe's.  I couldn't sleep last night, which was odd since I'd barely slept the night/day before.  My body and eyes were worn out, but my brain wouldn't shut down.  It was stuck on the screensaver hehe.  So I took a long warm shower in the middle of the night and that helped me get to sleep finally.

Today is a gloriously beautiful day.  64 right now.  It's supposed to be 69 this weekend with rain on Sunday.  James is working today and tomorrow, so I'm using this time to work on my project and have had enough spurts of energy to tidy up the downstairs area.  I opened all the windows to air out the house and the kitties are loving it.  I used a steamer bag to steam some organic broccoli, cauliflower, and baby carrots, and had the leftover wheat pasta and turkey with veggies for lunch.  It was tasty.  I'm going to nap soon since sitting up at my computer is a little draining.  Love to all, and have a fabulous Friday and weekend ahead.  xoxo

Today's Happenings

Wow, this is not going to be as easy as I had hoped. I just had a banana and went to reach for my cheerios only to find it has salt...*plays sound when someone loses on the Price is Right* The low-iodine diet is going to be a challenge unlike any other food challenge I have ever faced. I mean, take away soy, dairy, iodized salt, fish (which I hate anyway), processed food, sea salt, soybean oils, and I forget what else, but I'm pretty much left with fresh fruits and vegetables, and everything else I need to make from scratch. I am going to become hypothyroid by the end of the day and becoming motivated enough to bake bread and mix my own salad dressing doesn't sound like a jolly good time haha.

Thankfully James is going to be home soon after being at work for 3 hours, and he can mix me up somethin hehe. They are letting him come home for every one of my appointments (yay!). We are going to Whole Foods to check out what they have to offer since we went to Savemart the other day and pretty much were stumped when we spent a half hour in each aisle reading labels. I may need to just pretend that I live on a farm and do all my own growin. I might even scrub some launders on a washboard for fun....hehe. At first I thought, oooh I am going to lose weight like mad these next few weeks. Then I realized that the hypothyroid state will make sure that won't happen. Crapplebums. Here I thought I could shed that 5 lbs I packed on these past few weeks (which I deserved because I half-way threw my diet to the wind). I guess this will be like a major detox for me.

I meet my endocrinologist today. I think she is who will be taking care of my medications and treatment now, and only occasionally I will see my surgeon. I called the nuclear medicine department a bit ago to find out if I am supposed to stop taking my calcium supplement and the Calcitrol. I left a message and hope they call me back. I don't wanna mess up the whole process. This day sure showed up pretty fast. Last week I didn't even realize how far along in the month we were.

My neck is healing up nicely! I still have some pain, but I am now down to 3 pills a day on average whereas before I needed 2 every 4 hours! Soon I will be chopping them in half and then just transition to Tylenol.

I miss exercising. I can't wait to go for a jog with my honeybuns (as soon as it gets warmer--39 out right now). Since I'm kind of at a stand still size wise, I finally decided I should probably buy clothes in my current size and quit faking my way through with yoga pants and t-shirts. So I got to go on a shopping spree with our tax return money, and even James got into the groove and got himself some stylish threads. Everything is made of cotton, so I'm fairly certain I can shrink the hell out of it all if necessary once I get back to exercising so it can last me a bit. It's funny how the dryer used to be worst enemy, and now we are like buddies. Shrink my clothes, pretty please? I'll love you forever! Who knew? It's like Tom and Jerry getting along!

Well I am going to rest until I need to get ready for my appointment. I have a massive headache and more nausea again, but I took some stuffs for it and hope the sleep will fix me up right quick. Love to all and happy Monday, yo!

On Finding Peace

I used to be frantic about controlling as much as I possibly could in my life. I'm fairly certain that led me to my penchant for organizing and interior design. You can always control your external environment, but who doesn't struggle with controlling your internal environment?

Those who know me know what I have experienced lately. I was recently diagnosed with metastatic papillary thyroid cancer. I'll save you the trouble of Googling that and give some information at this link here. I had surgery on February 2nd, and today is the first day of my three-week low-iodine diet and hypothyroidism, of which the last week will be faced with an at-home quarantine for my radioactive iodine treatment.

The days leading up to the surgery, and every single day following, has been a challenge. No amount of facts you read prepare you for the emotional aspect of this process, and that's assuming you have a support system in place. If you are interested in knowing what the physical aspects are, let me know, and I will share them privately. They are TMI for public consumption.

So, with that brief backstory, I will move on to my point. I have found, through reading a very strange and potentially controversial book, as well as through my own path of life, that finding peace is not nearly as elusive as we have been led to believe. I myself experience a peace unlike I have ever known. Tell me how, you are saying to yourself. And how much is it going to cost me? That's an interesting question you posit (ha ha). It WILL cost you something. It will cost you all the worry and mental stress you endure on daily basis. Sounds like a currency we could all do with leaving behind.

So I will tell you how. The solution will come only as naturally as you allow it, and the problem will continue for as long as you get in your own way. Here is the text I sent to a friend an hour ago illustrating this. "Somehow, having cancer has given me this amazing perspective about life. It calms the panic I have about everything I can't control. Before, I would have said you can do anything you put your mind to. That everything could be overcome by positive thinking. Now I believe that whatever your soul needs is what becomes true, and your mind just gets in the way of all that, constantly torturing your soul for not matching your needs with your wants. It is when you embrace your needs (which are usually not fully ever known) that your wants become background noise along with all the people who used to threaten and annoy you."

Now you might be thinking, what exactly has this girl even been through in her life that she can say she knows what will bring ME peace? Who does she think she is? She doesn't know what she is talking about! I could list all of the trials I have endured and overcome, and that may or may not convince you. However, I am a big believer that no amount of trials will teach you what you need to know unless you open the channel to your soul to learn from them and muffle out the messages that will come at you every second of your life that cause you to waffle back and forth between motivated and unmotivated about whatever it is you are going through. In fact, life has a funny way of throwing you into almost identical situations repeatedly until you learn that lesson that is within you from the get-go. I'm sure, if you have at one time been introspective about the patterns in your life, you know this to be true.

I think we have all been given a bum start at life by being made to believe that our minds are the path through which we find what we need. Will yourself into your desires! Manifest it through positive thinking! I think I can, I think I can! Yeah....no. I have read countless books and blogs on the power of positive thinking. I was fully convinced for years that this is all it took to overcome life's challenges. I preached it to everyone I knew, probably turning a few of them off of wanting to know me. However, once you actually face those challenges, and your stress begins to build, it often becomes annoying to believe that all you have to do is "cheer up" or "think positively," and all your cares will float away. That may work for a time, but eventually you may end up wanting to tell everyone who shoves that down your throat to f**k off, as they can't possibly know what you are going through. Maybe they do know what you are going through. People share a lot of similar experiences, and they don't even realize it. What we don't share is the perspective that guides us through and beyond these experiences which allow us to flow through and beyond all the remaining experiences our lives will inevitably contain.

Listen to your soul. Your soul contains all the answers that your mind can never fathom. When you are in an odd situation and something feels off, that is your soul's way of telling you "Red flag...do not pass go, do not collect $200." When we are in a situation where we can't choose between two or more options, sometimes we make lists comparing the pros and cons. We break down the logic surrounding it, and perhaps even the emotional aspects. First, tell your mind to get in the backseat and put its seatbelt on. Secondly, give your soul the wheel, because in doing so, no traffic you encounter will be impossible to handle. While it seems that following your feelings can lead to disaster, and that socially this is not acceptable, realize that how you channel your feelings doesn't have to match how they arrive to you. These are the secrets to mastering your own mind. Your spiritual self will not fight you--you ARE your spiritual self.

When you are feeling impatient, and angry, and that everything isn't fair that is happening to you, it is because you are chaining yourself to the wants of your mind. Consider for a moment that you get in your own way every time you think your way out of a situation instead of feeling your way through and beyond it.

An example: A lady at the store says something insulting to you without you immediately realizing it. You just know you felt like punching her but weren't sure why. If you tend to follow social norms, you may keep quiet, or you may tell her where to shove it, or something in between those extremes. Then later, maybe even seconds later, all kinds of fantastic comebacks will form in your mind, and you will think DRAT!! If ONLY I had said this..or this, then ohhh, the victory would have been mine. Maybe you DID say one of those things. Then later you felt a little bit uglier inside, and wish you had given the lady a break. Maybe she is going through a hard time, and her stress leaked out just as you showed up in her presence (how special, huh?). Consider this: whatever it is that your soul tells you about that situation--that is your truth. What you THINK about the situation is NOISE. Turn off the noise, and in doing so, you will tune into what your soul is trying to say. When you get strange, unfamiliar feelings about things, that is your soul going "Peep!! Pay attention to me! I have all the answers!"

Turn your peeps into audible guidance today. To quote En Vogue: "Free your mind, and the rest will follow." Peace and love to you all.

Good day

Today I had less pain and the right side of my body is functioning better now.  It's been hard to do a lot of things and it feels good to be able to do them again.  My incision is looking better and the area isn't as knotted as it has been.  I've finally gotten a handle on the side effects of being on 13 medications (6 of which I was on before).  I'm taking a lot of supplements to keep my body running with relative ease.  It's amazing what kind of bodily functions we have in our daily lives that we take for granted until they become the only thing we can think about.  I've been keeping my body as comfortable as possible even in sleep.  I found a little bean bag neck pillow at the dollar section at Target and I use it when I sleep to rest my chin on since the surgery left my neck pinched downward and to the right.  It's gradually easing up and feels good when I do very light neck stretches.  I am sort of surprised that the doctor didn't provide any sort of instructions about physical therapy I might do for myself, which makes me think that the pinched area isn't normal.  The right side of my body has been raised up as if when they stitched me up, they cinched a muscle or nerve by accident.  Much of the pain has been caused by that, as well as tension that my back, neck, shoulders, and even my head have held trying to compensate for the new state of things.  I have a follow up appointment on Feb 24 with the surgeon and I think I will ask about these things.  The only thing I had read in my research is that there would be a risk of nerve damage leaving the right side of my body slumped, so this is a little odd.  In order to wean myself off the pain medication over time, I am finding other ways to manage the pain (which is getting easier as the pain is lessening).  I use heat wraps on the front and back of my neck, as well as across my back, and then bundle up with a soft scarf real good.

I've been getting a lot of rest.  I sleep a usual night of sleep (8-10 hours) and almost always have a sleep during the day that lasts about 2-6 hours.  I am not generally sluggish or anything, but I can tell my body needs a time out each day and thankfully I have no trouble getting to sleep for the night.
James went back to work on Thursday, and I felt horrible that day because of some complications of my medicine, and I ended up sick.  It was a relief to be alone because I don't wish for him to witness anymore of the awful things that have been happening to me.  He is an amazing husband and he has been running across the street sometimes a few times a day to get the next remedy for what ails me.

The cashiers there must really think he or someone has some major personal problems haha.  They would be right haha :)  He is so good to me.  He doesn't always get me my medications now because I am trying to be more self-sufficient since he is back to work, but he still calls and texts to make sure I wake up to take them.  He is allowing me to teach him my special cooking techniques, and even filling out recipe cards of my best recipes (all of which I keep in my head) in order to cook meals for me.  He makes me cream of wheat in the morning with milk and brown sugar and a banana and it's so super delicious.  Usually I go back to sleep because it's so warm and toasty and I only get up at 830 am for my morning meds.  On Thursday after I finished my business and stopped feeling horrible, I had a nice long shower and a friend picked me up to go out to eat and catch up.  She recently had a C-section so we were both talking about our scars and such.  It was really nice to get out and have some girl time, and she was sweet enough to give me a ride since I wasn't as far along in my healing as I had expected to be able to drive myself.  Next week a few friends are going to be bringing meals to me and James.

How blessed am I?  Totally.  Every few days I receive another card in the mail and put it on my card wall that I pass by each time I leave my bedroom and can see from my bed.  It is so wonderful to be thought of.  It helps remind me that I'm not alone and that even though people are going about their lives, there is a piece of their heart that reaches out to hug me in this challenging time.

I haven't been more content with my life than I am now.  My priorities have shifted slightly (they shifted immensely last year) and because of that, I have a great deal of peace even as things aren't ideal.  I allow my soul to guide me and not my mind, and in doing that I am doing what is right for me.  In this way, the fears I had have fallen away, and I am living in the moment, every moment.  The future doesn't scare me, and the past doesn't matter.

Thank you

I received these a few days ago from the beautiful ladies at iChange.  They are on my bedside.  The bear's name is Scraggles.  He is best friends with Barnabey. :)  Thank you so much for cheering me up and praying for me.  It feels so nice to be thought of.

Lately

My husband has been taking great care of me.  It's been a lot of pills, sleeping, and aching.  He's serving me my meals helps me a lot with portions.  Also, because I need to take my Vicodin every 4 hours for pain, I always keep food in my stomach to prevent nausea and so my mood is always up.  Also because I'm constantly drinking water to take my pills, I'm never thirsty.  :)  I went to school on Thursday.  He drove me and stayed with me during the classes and seemed to enjoy himself.  People were happy to see me, and me to see them. :)  It felt good to be back among the living.  In the past I would have paid someone to make me not have to go to school.  Now that I am allowed to stay home, I want to go. :)  He and I went to dinner at a friend's house last night and had the most amazing spaghetti.  I'm fitting into clothes I hadn't planned to wear for months.

In case you're wondering, he is super excited at how small I've gotten.  He put his arms around me and said you are so small, I can put my hands all the way around you and there's still room left over!  I asked him to say that over and over again and that those words are golden to me. :)

Yesterday I found out some devastating news.  My dad has been lying to everyone for the last 4 years that he has leukemia.  He also lied about going in and out of remission, as well as the fact that he was going to stop chemo this year and that he will most likely be passing away.  I thought this would happen while my husband was deployed and I can't tell you how many times I have cried thinking about this.  We've had a very strained relationship our whole life because he was mentally abusive to the whole family and only the last 7 years of therapy have helped me to undo the trauma and to form a healthy identity for myself.  I let him back into my life about 2 years ago and was apparently the only person in the family including my husband that believed he had leukemia.  He's been lying about things his whole life, but who could lie about that?  No one...  Now he believes his bad karma has caused me to have cancer.  Did I mention he's also a narcissist and thinks everything is about him?  I joke that everything is about me, but I don't really believe that.  He believes to his core he did this to me.

I also found out that he is gay.  He has spent the last 15 years making life for my oldest brother hell for being gay.  When I told my brother about it yesterday, he said he wasn't surprised.  We all joked that my dad was gay for years because of his mannerisms and things he would say.  At any rate, that part isn't the part that's upsetting.  I just don't like being lied to and played for a fool.  I've spent years trying to protect my heart from my dad, and for a short while (last few months) I thought I had a daddy for the first time.  I suppose I still do if I just let all of this go.  It's an old lie, but the pain is new.  I need some time to process it.  I just wanted to get through my own pain right now, but as usual he has to interject his own need for relief from lying into my life so that he can feel better even though I have to feel worse.

My vicodin doesn't work very well, btw.  I'm in constant pain.  I started taking birth control pills last night and the nausea is pretty awful.  Today is the warmest day of the year thus far, 72 degrees.  I need to go to Old Navy and get some tshirts because I have no tops in my current size.  I hadn't planned for an early spring nor to go out much at this point thinking my husband wasn't going to be home until much later.  I'm squeezing into some clothes but they are all for cooler weather.  Hot flashes are making me need to be bare armed and such.  Pretty soon I'm going to have to stop covering my wound with scarves and just let my neck breathe.

I'm sorry that I don't have any exciting positive words of wisdom to share.  I'm doing my best each day and I just want everything to be alright.  I have the love of my husband who is doing everything he can to make sure I am happy and comfortable, so that is what I am holding to right now.  He is my lighthouse as I traverse the foggy waters.

Peace and love to everyone. xoxo

Things are not okay, and I'm just fine with that.

I'm sitting up at my desktop computer, so that's something.  I'm having a bad day emotionally.  Some days the physical and emotional pain collide into a heap of blah and I just need to cry it out and go to sleep and hope for better tomorrow.  I acknowledge when I step out of myself and look at what's going on that it sucks pretty damn bad. Nobody has to acknowledge that for me or even understand it.  I realize it sucks and I accept that it sucks.  I find that if I try to push the reality of things aside, I never get to the point of acceptance which is kind of necessary to moving on and dealing with the next issue of the day.  It makes me laugh to think about how easy it is for someone to say that things will be just fine.  Everything will be fine eventually.  Put yourself in the shoes of the person who is in agony and try to focus on how fine things will eventually be.  It offers false hope.  You don't know if the disease you have will be cut out with your body parts.  You can have faith, but then if that doesn't work out, you tell yourself it happened for a reason and then more suffering comes and you put that in perspective in order to get through.  I have figured out though that the greatest release of pain from within me is not faith that things will be alright, but acceptance that things are not alright and that that is OKAY.  I am surprised at how few people are comfortable with getting to that place.  Being at peace with my suffering is what allows me the sanity within it, and for that I think I have it better than most.  Sweet dreams, all.  xoxo

Doing well

Today I got a lot more energy, ate well, and got visits from a professor and my family.  I will probably be released from the hospital in the morning.  I love it here (odd, I know), but I look foward to going home.  How often do we get to lay in a super comfy bed (that actually electronically moves to hug my every curve), get to order room service for free and have it brought to me all perfect and tidy, have pills brought to me, and have people shower love and affection on me? :) Except for the aches and such, I'm having a lovely time away.  No kitties mrowling in my ear stalking me until I cave in and get up to feed them or escort their spoiled butts downstairs to flip on the fireplace.  No laying in bed trying to figure out what the heck to cook or if I have everything I need to make it.  The ladies here are taking really good care of me, and I am very happy with how things went.  Your prayers and healing kindness has given me strength and peace in this potentially difficult time.  I hope I can return even a fraction of that joy to your lives.  Sleep tight and sweet dreams, and may angels guide you and keep you in all your life's journeys. xoxo

Surgery

The surgery went well. I've been resting in the recovery room for a while, waiting to be moved to a room.

He has arrived.

My husband is home.  He arrived a little after 6 am after driving a rental car.  The flight from home would have taken a quarter of that, but it didn't leave until too late.  He is such an amazing man.  It feels unreal that he is here.  He's getting ready right now and I'm all packed and washed up and ready to head to the hospital.  I'm exhausted because the whole time he was driving home I was looking at the Latitude app seeing how close he was getting.  I think I got three hours of sleep.  The surgeon requested a private room for me, so we shall if they have one available.  If he wants to sleep at home, though, I don't blame him.  Our bed is like a cloud, and he's been sleeping on an uncomfortable rack.  Well I better go dry my hair.  I want to thank everyone for their thoughts and prayers, and it feels good to finally have him home.  I'm finally relaxed, which is exactly what I needed going into surgery.  I will post as soon as I can to let you all know how the surgery went, or I'll ask my husband to do it for me. :)  Hugs and love to all. xoxo

:)

http://www.wikihow.com/Stop-Being-a-People-Pleaser

Well frick

I thought he was coming home tonight. He's not coming home until tomorrow night. I imagined we'd have some time to get reaquainted, but my surgery is only a few hours later.  In his email to me with his flight list, it says February 1st the whole way through, but he told me he hadn't slept in 3 days when he wrote all that down, and spelled things wrong (and he never does that) so between thinking he put the wrong date because of exhaustion or because of the huge time shift going counterclockwise over the Earth, I thought it was tonight that'd be getting in.  According to my newer calculations, he hasn't even left yet.  I haven't heard from him in over a day, so I thought he was already half way here.  Shiiiiiitake mushrooms.  I feel like a disappointed moron.

Great day

I had an amazing time with my friend M at a late lunch.  I just got home from a 4 hour visit with my friend M2 where no topic was off limits.  We had a really fun time and I am so blessed to have her.  I'm exhausted, and so excited about sleeping in and then cleaning and getting things ready before I leave for the airport at 9 PM. My husband has been in the air and waiting around in airports for hours now. He should be crossing the Atlantic right now on a flight from London to Boston.  Then a big layover, a flight to Dallas, a layover, then a flight home.  I hope he's taking naps on the flights.  I think the flight from Bahrain to London was 6 hours long.  That's a good amount of sleeping time.  I know the jetlag will be bad because he's been awake at night (even if he could never see outside), and will need to adjust as he's flying back in time in one day.  I'm going to dress up real cute just so I can put a smile on his face.  I'm sure anything I wear will make him smile, but I like feeling pretty for him.  Nighty night all.  Sweet dreams. :)

Thank you

Thank you to everyone for your love and support.  I don't know how I would have gotten through this without your thoughts and prayers.  For some reason, this feels like it was harder than what's to come.  :)

Oh

No one is paying for him to come home.  He's been woken up, the flight off the boat is going to take place in a few hours, and we don't have enough money to get him home. His emergency leave was denied, too.  Which means he'd come home just go be going to work all day, so I wouldn't be able to have someone take care of me.  He'd have to take the few days of regular leave he had set aside to attend my graduation and senior show.  I guess some things don't really work out.  I don't know what I did in my life to deserve this.  I feel so utterly alone.

Great news

The Red Cross will not send my husband home, but his command on the naval base will.  James will be taking commercial flights from half way around the world on someone else's dime to be with me during this time.  Praise God.  It feels so good knowing someone in the Navy has me in their corner.  So often it feels like they treat dependents like burdens.  For once I feel like I am valued by them.  I will see my husband either Sunday night or Monday.  I guess that means I better clean the house. :)  I have no idea if they are going to send him back, but I am taking it one day at a time, and any time with my sweetie is better than no time at all.

This morning in the shower I thought:  Things always work out in our favor.  We just don't immediately recognize what that favor will look like.

We often want things right away, but more often than not, more goes on than we can see and understand that needs to happen in order for us to get what we want or need.  As long as we have the love and support of others, we can be patient knowing that good things will come.  So dance in the storm, and wait for your rainbow.  It's brilliance will shine when you aren't even looking for it anymore.  How great is the God that provides the trials that leads us to be closer to Him, while offering up the loving kindness of my family at iChange.com  I could not be more blessed.

Okay then

Someone just called me from the boat.  He said the nature of having my husband be active duty is that I need to make sacrifices, and that he isn't qualified to come home.  So the Navy will not pay for it, and so unless money appears out of nowhere, I have no way to get him home.  I will have to rely on friends who are all busy to take me home so that I take care of myself.  I need to go to school, so I'm not really up for crying at this point.  Pretty much, since I'm not going to die, they don't care.  Off to school I go while I pretend things are fantastic! Yeah!

Surgery scheduled

I'm having a thyroidectomy next Wednesday morning.  I'll be out of commission for 4-6 weeks and will not be allowed to exercise AT ALL. OMG.  The radiation will begin at that point.  I will be having a neck dissection to remove big patches of lymph nodes, and there is a risk of damaging nerves which may leave not only the right side of my face numb but also my right shoulder and my lower lip.  It'll go nicely with the nerve damage I got on the right side from my Le Forte I osteotomy.  I may also end up with a very raspy voice.  I suppose none of this matters as long as I'm alive.

Still going through red tape to get my husband home.  I send copies of the docs to husband, and they want the Red Cross to tell them the information, not me.  Every single day that passes that they don't have exactly what they need is another day I'm going insane from not being able to really face what's happening to me because I'm too busy jumping through hoops to obtain my primary emotional supporter.  It may be the military way, but I sure as hell don't have to like it.  My husband wants to come home and be with me as badly as I want him to.  He's getting pissed off because even after I gave proof of everything and whatnot he is still waiting.  He said he has a huge crick in his neck, can't sleep, and his blood pressure is really high.  I'm sure that's really beneficial to our situation--having him a nervous wreck and I feel bad for getting him to that point.

I bought a small pretty journal today at Target, which I'm fondly calling my Cancer Journal.  I will be doing my journaling there and copying down the journaling from the past few days.  I want to be able to get out everything on my mind and heart and also be able to look back on the journey I took.
I'm having to work with my teachers to be able to do my entire senior project on my own.  I can scan things and whatnot, but I won't be able to attend many classes for at least 2 months.  I was looking forward to enjoying time with my friends, but interestingly enough I'll be with my husband 24/7 if they let him go on convalescent leave.  He may be sick of me.  He swears he won't.  I'm not unpleasant when I'm sick or laid up, but he reallllllly loves to lay on the couch and do nothing.  Maybe since he won't be working, he won't have difficulty getting things done.  Maybe this is exactly what needed to happen to get unobstructed free time with my husband.  Who knew?

I'll be at the hospital for a few days, then will be spending a LOT of time at home.  Thankfully I have made my bedroom an amazing sanctuary and it will be a pleasure to spend time here.  I have my scentsy warmer, a trickling water fountain, a sound machine with my favorite sounds, a few different fans, the remote to my tivo, a big squishy bed to cuddle up with my honey and furkeebs in, and lots of comfy jamjams to wear.  :)  I'll miss having friends to talk to, but thankfully text is nice. :)  I'm sure I'll be spending lots of time on my laptop, too.

If anyone wants my contact information for any reason, let me know and I'll send it to you in a private message.  God forbid anything should happen to me, but if it were to, my husband has access to all my accounts and would inform you.  I'm being morbid, but hey, life is fragile and it may not always be there.  xoxo to all.  Thank you for your continued prayers.

Hard times

I've been emotionally eating all weekend.  I don't know how to deal with my new pain.  Just because it's the most curable form of cancer doesn't mean it's not scary to have.  It's pretty easy for others to toss logic at feelings and expect it to cancel them out.  Unfortunately that doesn't work.  It's not as helpful as you might think.  I'm capable of being positive and seeing the bright side, but I'm not a robot, and I do need to feel my real feelings.

The Red Cross called and asked for permission to go ahead with delivering the message even though they don't know when the surgery will be yet.  I said yes, but there's a chance they won't send him home without it.  I'm also lonely.  Everyone says I'm strong.  Okay, swell.  But how strong am I if I'm eating my feelings?  I'm just unhappy, I'm low on energy, and I don't know how I can handle if he doesn't come home.  It's one thing to distract myself and be busy all the time, but eventually the busyness settles and my feelings are there.  I've talked to family and friends, but when the phone calls are over, the feelings come back.  Nothing can give me what my husband can.  I really need him right now.  I really don't want advice.  I just want my husband to hold me.

Feelings, nothing more than feelings

I'm feeling scared and a little sad.  Just working on my homework.  I'm eager to see my husband.  I took a nap on the couch, and when I woke up I realized what was happening again.  So yeah. *sigh* I'll be okay, just kinda like doo be doo be doo. Ya know? :)

Biopsy Results

I have thyroid cancer and it's spread to my lymph nodes.  As soon as I found out I drove to my mom's, so I'm here now.  I'm e-mailing with the hubby and he said the doc needs to send a Red Cross message to get him permission to come home.  I haven't actually seen the doctor, and I won't until Tuesday at 11, so any other details are unknown.  I know that they will be running more tests and removing stuff in surgery.

Please keep me in your prayers.

Great day

I had an amazing day.  I'm on top of the world.  I got sunshine, had laughs, got lots of great news about school, ate really well, treated myself with another shopping trip, and my neck feels tons better.  My courthouse project from last semester was chosen along with one other student's from our class to have put on display on a poster I need to put together this weekend.  It will get displayed at the Fresno Appellate Courthouse which was my primary inspiration for the project.  I'm honored.  I hadn't heard from my husband since Monday and I finally heard from him today.  I got the chance to spread good cheer and laughter everywhere I went.  Time for a little nap, then some exercise, then bedtime.  Tomorrow morning I'm getting a massage again and then have therapy in the afternoon.  I'll be doing some case studies of scrapbook stores for my senior project, so my research involves going on shopping trips haha.  Yay! I should get my biopsy results in the next few days. Love to all. xoxo

Biopsy

It wasn't pleasant.  I joked my way through the whole thing to feel better, but the needle for the anesthesia sucked really bad.  They took several samples via fine needle aspiration but also took some chunks for bigger sample analysis.  The doctor had to bear a hole in my neck to get the bigger ones.  It hurts to keep my head up.  Just barely lifting it from my pillow is hard so I have to hold my head with my hands just to sit up.  Sore is an understatement.  I've been resting.  I didn't get to work out because moving just hurts too much.  School starts Thursday.  I'm not really excited about it because I've really enjoyed doing my own thing.  I'm hoping to remove myself as much as possible from drama this semester.  I'm over it, and I want no part of it.  This year is all about taking care of myself and my family, and I'm done with putting my needs aside to make people like me.  I'm the best wife, friend, daughter, etc. when I can take care of myself first.

Tomorrow

I'm getting my biopsy in the morning.  My mom and brother are coming to be with me.  I'm grateful to not have to be alone.  I was alone when I got my ultrasound and CT and was sad because I really needed emotional support.  Lately I've tried so hard to be there for myself, but I think that it's important to have support, too.

I had my CT results appt last week and found out my thyroid is fine, and that the nodules are on lymph nodes are on the right side of my neck, so that's where the biopsy will be.

My husband is nervous about it, but I'm fine.  No reason to be afraid until someone tells me it's...bad.  I guess that's me being strong since I don't really know a better way to deal with it.  If I go a different way in my mind, I'll just end up feeling sorry for myself, and nobody likes a downer.  Happy day!

Food, hunger, and biking

Today I was taking a snooze on the sofa and was thinking about my favorite meal that I've eaten at Marie Callendar's, the mushroom and artichoke chicken.  I had everything I needed to make it with, including similar sides.  It turned out amazing, and I'm so proud of myself.

I think my weight loss is helping curb my hunger.  I'm not ravenously hungry all the time like I used to be.  The gap between periods was a little longer than the last time, but I finally started and that's all that matters.  Usually most people are annoyed to have a period, but when I have it, I'm ecstatic because it means my body is getting closer to equilibrium, which makes it a safer place to conceive and carry a child when it happens.

I've used my recumbent bike three times already.  I put it in front of the tv in the livingroom until I get the guest room situated.  I didn't realize how much using it works my lower abs.  That coupled with the workout with my small exercise ball, my abs are feeling great.  it's kind of hard to get up, but i think that's a good thing hehe :) Yay for losing inches!!

Plans

I got my recumbent bike that I ordered from Amazon.  I need to put it together and get it goin woo!!  Might be hanging with my bro and his gf tonight.  Going to craft stores today to get fabric to make pillow slipcovers so I don't waste money on new pillows when I have 8 billion throw pillows to spare.  Also going to buy myself an easel to start painting and a few large canvas so I can make art for my house.  On Thursday I perused lots of art to buy and at $200 for a huge piece, I realized I'm talented enough to do it myself.  I'm taking a swing at impressionism for one piece and I'll do some large abstract pieces to match the rooms I'm putting them in.  Gotta tie together all the colors.  I love how David Bromstad paints, so I'll be watching some of his clips online to get some of his technique incorporated.  Also going to get some paint so I can refinish some pieces of furniture in my livingroom that are black.  I got new knobs for them and will be making them a soft color and distressing it a bit.  Sooo yeah lots of stuff on my list to get.  Also picking up another batch of clothes I ordered a few weeks ago--building my wardrobe slowly and as I can afford it.  That way it's ready and waiting for me when I get there :)  Happy times! <3

Yay!

Today, as I got dressed to spend the day with my mom, I realized my size 18 jeans were too baggy and just to see how many more inches I needed to lose to get into my brand new 16s (that I bought 4 years ago), I slipped them on.  I thought hmm okay maybe a few more inches.  But then they closed completely.  They fit.  I cannot tell you what kind of feeling that gave me.  I think it was elation.  My heart could barely contain the feeling, it was trying to burst out of me (instead of my tummy which is what used to burst out of my jeans haha).  Just thought I'd share my joy.  My mom took some pics of me and when I looked at the pics I was like OMG I'm getting skinny!!  It's so wild to see how much smaller I am.  And I'm only HALF WAY there.  I'm so excited and motivated.

My ring...

flew off at the grocery store today and went between two produce stands.  i had to ask an employee to move the stand aside to get my ring.  That is a nice problem to have haha. :)  I guess I can't wear it anymore.  OOPS.  A sexy man just picked me up JUST KIDDING. ;)

"Dating myself"

That may sound silly, but I realize how awesome that really is.  Giving yourself all the things you want your significant other to give you (within reason hehe) is a really nice way of saying to yourself, I am worth it, and I don't need to wish for it--I can meet my own needs and desires.  Today at the store, I bought myself some beautiful flowers, and they're in a clear vase on my mantle where I can see them :)  I also got myself a pink tulip plant to put in the kitchen so that I can be proud of myself everytime I look at it for all the great food choices I've been making.  Tomorrow morning I'm getting my first neck and upper back massage in my home--the massage therapist comes here :)  I'm also going to buy a nice bristle brush to do skin brushing.  I decided to get some 5 ingredient ice cream and I took one bite before I put it away.  It was so amazingly delicious.  I've been eating chemical-filled low-calorie bars that gave me little fulfillment because of how little like chocolate it actually tasted.  The more whole foods I eat, the more I start to dislike the processed low- or no-fat foods I've been eating.  I'm going to start incorporating organic options into my diet, and I'm hoping I will find a difference in the way I feel.


Tomorrow I'm going shopping for some decor for my great room.  I have an African theme to my livingroom right now.  I'm changing it to French Country.  I have so many styles I love, but I've finally decided this is the style that makes me feel most at peace with myself.  I will be starting a series of paintings to put in the kitchen and diningroom of the French countryside and of French cottages.  I'm also going to get a compact smoothie maker/food chopper.  I was going to get the Cuisinart one, but I read bad reviews about it, so I'll be getting the Magic Bullet.  I want to make smoothies more often (the blender gets clunky to use and wash because I have a really shallow sink) and I also want to start making my own peach and pineapple salsa.  I love to be able to make things from scratch because I know exactly what's going into my body when I do.  I used to always want to eat out, but now all I want to do is stay in and cook. :)