Today's Happenings

Wow, this is not going to be as easy as I had hoped. I just had a banana and went to reach for my cheerios only to find it has salt...*plays sound when someone loses on the Price is Right* The low-iodine diet is going to be a challenge unlike any other food challenge I have ever faced. I mean, take away soy, dairy, iodized salt, fish (which I hate anyway), processed food, sea salt, soybean oils, and I forget what else, but I'm pretty much left with fresh fruits and vegetables, and everything else I need to make from scratch. I am going to become hypothyroid by the end of the day and becoming motivated enough to bake bread and mix my own salad dressing doesn't sound like a jolly good time haha.

Thankfully James is going to be home soon after being at work for 3 hours, and he can mix me up somethin hehe. They are letting him come home for every one of my appointments (yay!). We are going to Whole Foods to check out what they have to offer since we went to Savemart the other day and pretty much were stumped when we spent a half hour in each aisle reading labels. I may need to just pretend that I live on a farm and do all my own growin. I might even scrub some launders on a washboard for fun....hehe. At first I thought, oooh I am going to lose weight like mad these next few weeks. Then I realized that the hypothyroid state will make sure that won't happen. Crapplebums. Here I thought I could shed that 5 lbs I packed on these past few weeks (which I deserved because I half-way threw my diet to the wind). I guess this will be like a major detox for me.

I meet my endocrinologist today. I think she is who will be taking care of my medications and treatment now, and only occasionally I will see my surgeon. I called the nuclear medicine department a bit ago to find out if I am supposed to stop taking my calcium supplement and the Calcitrol. I left a message and hope they call me back. I don't wanna mess up the whole process. This day sure showed up pretty fast. Last week I didn't even realize how far along in the month we were.

My neck is healing up nicely! I still have some pain, but I am now down to 3 pills a day on average whereas before I needed 2 every 4 hours! Soon I will be chopping them in half and then just transition to Tylenol.

I miss exercising. I can't wait to go for a jog with my honeybuns (as soon as it gets warmer--39 out right now). Since I'm kind of at a stand still size wise, I finally decided I should probably buy clothes in my current size and quit faking my way through with yoga pants and t-shirts. So I got to go on a shopping spree with our tax return money, and even James got into the groove and got himself some stylish threads. Everything is made of cotton, so I'm fairly certain I can shrink the hell out of it all if necessary once I get back to exercising so it can last me a bit. It's funny how the dryer used to be worst enemy, and now we are like buddies. Shrink my clothes, pretty please? I'll love you forever! Who knew? It's like Tom and Jerry getting along!

Well I am going to rest until I need to get ready for my appointment. I have a massive headache and more nausea again, but I took some stuffs for it and hope the sleep will fix me up right quick. Love to all and happy Monday, yo!

On Finding Peace

I used to be frantic about controlling as much as I possibly could in my life. I'm fairly certain that led me to my penchant for organizing and interior design. You can always control your external environment, but who doesn't struggle with controlling your internal environment?

Those who know me know what I have experienced lately. I was recently diagnosed with metastatic papillary thyroid cancer. I'll save you the trouble of Googling that and give some information at this link here. I had surgery on February 2nd, and today is the first day of my three-week low-iodine diet and hypothyroidism, of which the last week will be faced with an at-home quarantine for my radioactive iodine treatment.

The days leading up to the surgery, and every single day following, has been a challenge. No amount of facts you read prepare you for the emotional aspect of this process, and that's assuming you have a support system in place. If you are interested in knowing what the physical aspects are, let me know, and I will share them privately. They are TMI for public consumption.

So, with that brief backstory, I will move on to my point. I have found, through reading a very strange and potentially controversial book, as well as through my own path of life, that finding peace is not nearly as elusive as we have been led to believe. I myself experience a peace unlike I have ever known. Tell me how, you are saying to yourself. And how much is it going to cost me? That's an interesting question you posit (ha ha). It WILL cost you something. It will cost you all the worry and mental stress you endure on daily basis. Sounds like a currency we could all do with leaving behind.

So I will tell you how. The solution will come only as naturally as you allow it, and the problem will continue for as long as you get in your own way. Here is the text I sent to a friend an hour ago illustrating this. "Somehow, having cancer has given me this amazing perspective about life. It calms the panic I have about everything I can't control. Before, I would have said you can do anything you put your mind to. That everything could be overcome by positive thinking. Now I believe that whatever your soul needs is what becomes true, and your mind just gets in the way of all that, constantly torturing your soul for not matching your needs with your wants. It is when you embrace your needs (which are usually not fully ever known) that your wants become background noise along with all the people who used to threaten and annoy you."

Now you might be thinking, what exactly has this girl even been through in her life that she can say she knows what will bring ME peace? Who does she think she is? She doesn't know what she is talking about! I could list all of the trials I have endured and overcome, and that may or may not convince you. However, I am a big believer that no amount of trials will teach you what you need to know unless you open the channel to your soul to learn from them and muffle out the messages that will come at you every second of your life that cause you to waffle back and forth between motivated and unmotivated about whatever it is you are going through. In fact, life has a funny way of throwing you into almost identical situations repeatedly until you learn that lesson that is within you from the get-go. I'm sure, if you have at one time been introspective about the patterns in your life, you know this to be true.

I think we have all been given a bum start at life by being made to believe that our minds are the path through which we find what we need. Will yourself into your desires! Manifest it through positive thinking! I think I can, I think I can! Yeah....no. I have read countless books and blogs on the power of positive thinking. I was fully convinced for years that this is all it took to overcome life's challenges. I preached it to everyone I knew, probably turning a few of them off of wanting to know me. However, once you actually face those challenges, and your stress begins to build, it often becomes annoying to believe that all you have to do is "cheer up" or "think positively," and all your cares will float away. That may work for a time, but eventually you may end up wanting to tell everyone who shoves that down your throat to f**k off, as they can't possibly know what you are going through. Maybe they do know what you are going through. People share a lot of similar experiences, and they don't even realize it. What we don't share is the perspective that guides us through and beyond these experiences which allow us to flow through and beyond all the remaining experiences our lives will inevitably contain.

Listen to your soul. Your soul contains all the answers that your mind can never fathom. When you are in an odd situation and something feels off, that is your soul's way of telling you "Red flag...do not pass go, do not collect $200." When we are in a situation where we can't choose between two or more options, sometimes we make lists comparing the pros and cons. We break down the logic surrounding it, and perhaps even the emotional aspects. First, tell your mind to get in the backseat and put its seatbelt on. Secondly, give your soul the wheel, because in doing so, no traffic you encounter will be impossible to handle. While it seems that following your feelings can lead to disaster, and that socially this is not acceptable, realize that how you channel your feelings doesn't have to match how they arrive to you. These are the secrets to mastering your own mind. Your spiritual self will not fight you--you ARE your spiritual self.

When you are feeling impatient, and angry, and that everything isn't fair that is happening to you, it is because you are chaining yourself to the wants of your mind. Consider for a moment that you get in your own way every time you think your way out of a situation instead of feeling your way through and beyond it.

An example: A lady at the store says something insulting to you without you immediately realizing it. You just know you felt like punching her but weren't sure why. If you tend to follow social norms, you may keep quiet, or you may tell her where to shove it, or something in between those extremes. Then later, maybe even seconds later, all kinds of fantastic comebacks will form in your mind, and you will think DRAT!! If ONLY I had said this..or this, then ohhh, the victory would have been mine. Maybe you DID say one of those things. Then later you felt a little bit uglier inside, and wish you had given the lady a break. Maybe she is going through a hard time, and her stress leaked out just as you showed up in her presence (how special, huh?). Consider this: whatever it is that your soul tells you about that situation--that is your truth. What you THINK about the situation is NOISE. Turn off the noise, and in doing so, you will tune into what your soul is trying to say. When you get strange, unfamiliar feelings about things, that is your soul going "Peep!! Pay attention to me! I have all the answers!"

Turn your peeps into audible guidance today. To quote En Vogue: "Free your mind, and the rest will follow." Peace and love to you all.

Good day

Today I had less pain and the right side of my body is functioning better now.  It's been hard to do a lot of things and it feels good to be able to do them again.  My incision is looking better and the area isn't as knotted as it has been.  I've finally gotten a handle on the side effects of being on 13 medications (6 of which I was on before).  I'm taking a lot of supplements to keep my body running with relative ease.  It's amazing what kind of bodily functions we have in our daily lives that we take for granted until they become the only thing we can think about.  I've been keeping my body as comfortable as possible even in sleep.  I found a little bean bag neck pillow at the dollar section at Target and I use it when I sleep to rest my chin on since the surgery left my neck pinched downward and to the right.  It's gradually easing up and feels good when I do very light neck stretches.  I am sort of surprised that the doctor didn't provide any sort of instructions about physical therapy I might do for myself, which makes me think that the pinched area isn't normal.  The right side of my body has been raised up as if when they stitched me up, they cinched a muscle or nerve by accident.  Much of the pain has been caused by that, as well as tension that my back, neck, shoulders, and even my head have held trying to compensate for the new state of things.  I have a follow up appointment on Feb 24 with the surgeon and I think I will ask about these things.  The only thing I had read in my research is that there would be a risk of nerve damage leaving the right side of my body slumped, so this is a little odd.  In order to wean myself off the pain medication over time, I am finding other ways to manage the pain (which is getting easier as the pain is lessening).  I use heat wraps on the front and back of my neck, as well as across my back, and then bundle up with a soft scarf real good.

I've been getting a lot of rest.  I sleep a usual night of sleep (8-10 hours) and almost always have a sleep during the day that lasts about 2-6 hours.  I am not generally sluggish or anything, but I can tell my body needs a time out each day and thankfully I have no trouble getting to sleep for the night.
James went back to work on Thursday, and I felt horrible that day because of some complications of my medicine, and I ended up sick.  It was a relief to be alone because I don't wish for him to witness anymore of the awful things that have been happening to me.  He is an amazing husband and he has been running across the street sometimes a few times a day to get the next remedy for what ails me.

The cashiers there must really think he or someone has some major personal problems haha.  They would be right haha :)  He is so good to me.  He doesn't always get me my medications now because I am trying to be more self-sufficient since he is back to work, but he still calls and texts to make sure I wake up to take them.  He is allowing me to teach him my special cooking techniques, and even filling out recipe cards of my best recipes (all of which I keep in my head) in order to cook meals for me.  He makes me cream of wheat in the morning with milk and brown sugar and a banana and it's so super delicious.  Usually I go back to sleep because it's so warm and toasty and I only get up at 830 am for my morning meds.  On Thursday after I finished my business and stopped feeling horrible, I had a nice long shower and a friend picked me up to go out to eat and catch up.  She recently had a C-section so we were both talking about our scars and such.  It was really nice to get out and have some girl time, and she was sweet enough to give me a ride since I wasn't as far along in my healing as I had expected to be able to drive myself.  Next week a few friends are going to be bringing meals to me and James.

How blessed am I?  Totally.  Every few days I receive another card in the mail and put it on my card wall that I pass by each time I leave my bedroom and can see from my bed.  It is so wonderful to be thought of.  It helps remind me that I'm not alone and that even though people are going about their lives, there is a piece of their heart that reaches out to hug me in this challenging time.

I haven't been more content with my life than I am now.  My priorities have shifted slightly (they shifted immensely last year) and because of that, I have a great deal of peace even as things aren't ideal.  I allow my soul to guide me and not my mind, and in doing that I am doing what is right for me.  In this way, the fears I had have fallen away, and I am living in the moment, every moment.  The future doesn't scare me, and the past doesn't matter.

Thank you

I received these a few days ago from the beautiful ladies at iChange.  They are on my bedside.  The bear's name is Scraggles.  He is best friends with Barnabey. :)  Thank you so much for cheering me up and praying for me.  It feels so nice to be thought of.

Lately

My husband has been taking great care of me.  It's been a lot of pills, sleeping, and aching.  He's serving me my meals helps me a lot with portions.  Also, because I need to take my Vicodin every 4 hours for pain, I always keep food in my stomach to prevent nausea and so my mood is always up.  Also because I'm constantly drinking water to take my pills, I'm never thirsty.  :)  I went to school on Thursday.  He drove me and stayed with me during the classes and seemed to enjoy himself.  People were happy to see me, and me to see them. :)  It felt good to be back among the living.  In the past I would have paid someone to make me not have to go to school.  Now that I am allowed to stay home, I want to go. :)  He and I went to dinner at a friend's house last night and had the most amazing spaghetti.  I'm fitting into clothes I hadn't planned to wear for months.

In case you're wondering, he is super excited at how small I've gotten.  He put his arms around me and said you are so small, I can put my hands all the way around you and there's still room left over!  I asked him to say that over and over again and that those words are golden to me. :)

Yesterday I found out some devastating news.  My dad has been lying to everyone for the last 4 years that he has leukemia.  He also lied about going in and out of remission, as well as the fact that he was going to stop chemo this year and that he will most likely be passing away.  I thought this would happen while my husband was deployed and I can't tell you how many times I have cried thinking about this.  We've had a very strained relationship our whole life because he was mentally abusive to the whole family and only the last 7 years of therapy have helped me to undo the trauma and to form a healthy identity for myself.  I let him back into my life about 2 years ago and was apparently the only person in the family including my husband that believed he had leukemia.  He's been lying about things his whole life, but who could lie about that?  No one...  Now he believes his bad karma has caused me to have cancer.  Did I mention he's also a narcissist and thinks everything is about him?  I joke that everything is about me, but I don't really believe that.  He believes to his core he did this to me.

I also found out that he is gay.  He has spent the last 15 years making life for my oldest brother hell for being gay.  When I told my brother about it yesterday, he said he wasn't surprised.  We all joked that my dad was gay for years because of his mannerisms and things he would say.  At any rate, that part isn't the part that's upsetting.  I just don't like being lied to and played for a fool.  I've spent years trying to protect my heart from my dad, and for a short while (last few months) I thought I had a daddy for the first time.  I suppose I still do if I just let all of this go.  It's an old lie, but the pain is new.  I need some time to process it.  I just wanted to get through my own pain right now, but as usual he has to interject his own need for relief from lying into my life so that he can feel better even though I have to feel worse.

My vicodin doesn't work very well, btw.  I'm in constant pain.  I started taking birth control pills last night and the nausea is pretty awful.  Today is the warmest day of the year thus far, 72 degrees.  I need to go to Old Navy and get some tshirts because I have no tops in my current size.  I hadn't planned for an early spring nor to go out much at this point thinking my husband wasn't going to be home until much later.  I'm squeezing into some clothes but they are all for cooler weather.  Hot flashes are making me need to be bare armed and such.  Pretty soon I'm going to have to stop covering my wound with scarves and just let my neck breathe.

I'm sorry that I don't have any exciting positive words of wisdom to share.  I'm doing my best each day and I just want everything to be alright.  I have the love of my husband who is doing everything he can to make sure I am happy and comfortable, so that is what I am holding to right now.  He is my lighthouse as I traverse the foggy waters.

Peace and love to everyone. xoxo

Things are not okay, and I'm just fine with that.

I'm sitting up at my desktop computer, so that's something.  I'm having a bad day emotionally.  Some days the physical and emotional pain collide into a heap of blah and I just need to cry it out and go to sleep and hope for better tomorrow.  I acknowledge when I step out of myself and look at what's going on that it sucks pretty damn bad. Nobody has to acknowledge that for me or even understand it.  I realize it sucks and I accept that it sucks.  I find that if I try to push the reality of things aside, I never get to the point of acceptance which is kind of necessary to moving on and dealing with the next issue of the day.  It makes me laugh to think about how easy it is for someone to say that things will be just fine.  Everything will be fine eventually.  Put yourself in the shoes of the person who is in agony and try to focus on how fine things will eventually be.  It offers false hope.  You don't know if the disease you have will be cut out with your body parts.  You can have faith, but then if that doesn't work out, you tell yourself it happened for a reason and then more suffering comes and you put that in perspective in order to get through.  I have figured out though that the greatest release of pain from within me is not faith that things will be alright, but acceptance that things are not alright and that that is OKAY.  I am surprised at how few people are comfortable with getting to that place.  Being at peace with my suffering is what allows me the sanity within it, and for that I think I have it better than most.  Sweet dreams, all.  xoxo

Doing well

Today I got a lot more energy, ate well, and got visits from a professor and my family.  I will probably be released from the hospital in the morning.  I love it here (odd, I know), but I look foward to going home.  How often do we get to lay in a super comfy bed (that actually electronically moves to hug my every curve), get to order room service for free and have it brought to me all perfect and tidy, have pills brought to me, and have people shower love and affection on me? :) Except for the aches and such, I'm having a lovely time away.  No kitties mrowling in my ear stalking me until I cave in and get up to feed them or escort their spoiled butts downstairs to flip on the fireplace.  No laying in bed trying to figure out what the heck to cook or if I have everything I need to make it.  The ladies here are taking really good care of me, and I am very happy with how things went.  Your prayers and healing kindness has given me strength and peace in this potentially difficult time.  I hope I can return even a fraction of that joy to your lives.  Sleep tight and sweet dreams, and may angels guide you and keep you in all your life's journeys. xoxo

Surgery

The surgery went well. I've been resting in the recovery room for a while, waiting to be moved to a room.

He has arrived.

My husband is home.  He arrived a little after 6 am after driving a rental car.  The flight from home would have taken a quarter of that, but it didn't leave until too late.  He is such an amazing man.  It feels unreal that he is here.  He's getting ready right now and I'm all packed and washed up and ready to head to the hospital.  I'm exhausted because the whole time he was driving home I was looking at the Latitude app seeing how close he was getting.  I think I got three hours of sleep.  The surgeon requested a private room for me, so we shall if they have one available.  If he wants to sleep at home, though, I don't blame him.  Our bed is like a cloud, and he's been sleeping on an uncomfortable rack.  Well I better go dry my hair.  I want to thank everyone for their thoughts and prayers, and it feels good to finally have him home.  I'm finally relaxed, which is exactly what I needed going into surgery.  I will post as soon as I can to let you all know how the surgery went, or I'll ask my husband to do it for me. :)  Hugs and love to all. xoxo

:)

http://www.wikihow.com/Stop-Being-a-People-Pleaser