Things are not okay, and I'm just fine with that.

I'm sitting up at my desktop computer, so that's something.  I'm having a bad day emotionally.  Some days the physical and emotional pain collide into a heap of blah and I just need to cry it out and go to sleep and hope for better tomorrow.  I acknowledge when I step out of myself and look at what's going on that it sucks pretty damn bad. Nobody has to acknowledge that for me or even understand it.  I realize it sucks and I accept that it sucks.  I find that if I try to push the reality of things aside, I never get to the point of acceptance which is kind of necessary to moving on and dealing with the next issue of the day.  It makes me laugh to think about how easy it is for someone to say that things will be just fine.  Everything will be fine eventually.  Put yourself in the shoes of the person who is in agony and try to focus on how fine things will eventually be.  It offers false hope.  You don't know if the disease you have will be cut out with your body parts.  You can have faith, but then if that doesn't work out, you tell yourself it happened for a reason and then more suffering comes and you put that in perspective in order to get through.  I have figured out though that the greatest release of pain from within me is not faith that things will be alright, but acceptance that things are not alright and that that is OKAY.  I am surprised at how few people are comfortable with getting to that place.  Being at peace with my suffering is what allows me the sanity within it, and for that I think I have it better than most.  Sweet dreams, all.  xoxo