Lately

My husband has been taking great care of me.  It's been a lot of pills, sleeping, and aching.  He's serving me my meals helps me a lot with portions.  Also, because I need to take my Vicodin every 4 hours for pain, I always keep food in my stomach to prevent nausea and so my mood is always up.  Also because I'm constantly drinking water to take my pills, I'm never thirsty.  :)  I went to school on Thursday.  He drove me and stayed with me during the classes and seemed to enjoy himself.  People were happy to see me, and me to see them. :)  It felt good to be back among the living.  In the past I would have paid someone to make me not have to go to school.  Now that I am allowed to stay home, I want to go. :)  He and I went to dinner at a friend's house last night and had the most amazing spaghetti.  I'm fitting into clothes I hadn't planned to wear for months.

In case you're wondering, he is super excited at how small I've gotten.  He put his arms around me and said you are so small, I can put my hands all the way around you and there's still room left over!  I asked him to say that over and over again and that those words are golden to me. :)

Yesterday I found out some devastating news.  My dad has been lying to everyone for the last 4 years that he has leukemia.  He also lied about going in and out of remission, as well as the fact that he was going to stop chemo this year and that he will most likely be passing away.  I thought this would happen while my husband was deployed and I can't tell you how many times I have cried thinking about this.  We've had a very strained relationship our whole life because he was mentally abusive to the whole family and only the last 7 years of therapy have helped me to undo the trauma and to form a healthy identity for myself.  I let him back into my life about 2 years ago and was apparently the only person in the family including my husband that believed he had leukemia.  He's been lying about things his whole life, but who could lie about that?  No one...  Now he believes his bad karma has caused me to have cancer.  Did I mention he's also a narcissist and thinks everything is about him?  I joke that everything is about me, but I don't really believe that.  He believes to his core he did this to me.

I also found out that he is gay.  He has spent the last 15 years making life for my oldest brother hell for being gay.  When I told my brother about it yesterday, he said he wasn't surprised.  We all joked that my dad was gay for years because of his mannerisms and things he would say.  At any rate, that part isn't the part that's upsetting.  I just don't like being lied to and played for a fool.  I've spent years trying to protect my heart from my dad, and for a short while (last few months) I thought I had a daddy for the first time.  I suppose I still do if I just let all of this go.  It's an old lie, but the pain is new.  I need some time to process it.  I just wanted to get through my own pain right now, but as usual he has to interject his own need for relief from lying into my life so that he can feel better even though I have to feel worse.

My vicodin doesn't work very well, btw.  I'm in constant pain.  I started taking birth control pills last night and the nausea is pretty awful.  Today is the warmest day of the year thus far, 72 degrees.  I need to go to Old Navy and get some tshirts because I have no tops in my current size.  I hadn't planned for an early spring nor to go out much at this point thinking my husband wasn't going to be home until much later.  I'm squeezing into some clothes but they are all for cooler weather.  Hot flashes are making me need to be bare armed and such.  Pretty soon I'm going to have to stop covering my wound with scarves and just let my neck breathe.

I'm sorry that I don't have any exciting positive words of wisdom to share.  I'm doing my best each day and I just want everything to be alright.  I have the love of my husband who is doing everything he can to make sure I am happy and comfortable, so that is what I am holding to right now.  He is my lighthouse as I traverse the foggy waters.

Peace and love to everyone. xoxo