Well frick

I thought he was coming home tonight. He's not coming home until tomorrow night. I imagined we'd have some time to get reaquainted, but my surgery is only a few hours later.  In his email to me with his flight list, it says February 1st the whole way through, but he told me he hadn't slept in 3 days when he wrote all that down, and spelled things wrong (and he never does that) so between thinking he put the wrong date because of exhaustion or because of the huge time shift going counterclockwise over the Earth, I thought it was tonight that'd be getting in.  According to my newer calculations, he hasn't even left yet.  I haven't heard from him in over a day, so I thought he was already half way here.  Shiiiiiitake mushrooms.  I feel like a disappointed moron.

Great day

I had an amazing time with my friend M at a late lunch.  I just got home from a 4 hour visit with my friend M2 where no topic was off limits.  We had a really fun time and I am so blessed to have her.  I'm exhausted, and so excited about sleeping in and then cleaning and getting things ready before I leave for the airport at 9 PM. My husband has been in the air and waiting around in airports for hours now. He should be crossing the Atlantic right now on a flight from London to Boston.  Then a big layover, a flight to Dallas, a layover, then a flight home.  I hope he's taking naps on the flights.  I think the flight from Bahrain to London was 6 hours long.  That's a good amount of sleeping time.  I know the jetlag will be bad because he's been awake at night (even if he could never see outside), and will need to adjust as he's flying back in time in one day.  I'm going to dress up real cute just so I can put a smile on his face.  I'm sure anything I wear will make him smile, but I like feeling pretty for him.  Nighty night all.  Sweet dreams. :)

Thank you

Thank you to everyone for your love and support.  I don't know how I would have gotten through this without your thoughts and prayers.  For some reason, this feels like it was harder than what's to come.  :)

Oh

No one is paying for him to come home.  He's been woken up, the flight off the boat is going to take place in a few hours, and we don't have enough money to get him home. His emergency leave was denied, too.  Which means he'd come home just go be going to work all day, so I wouldn't be able to have someone take care of me.  He'd have to take the few days of regular leave he had set aside to attend my graduation and senior show.  I guess some things don't really work out.  I don't know what I did in my life to deserve this.  I feel so utterly alone.

Great news

The Red Cross will not send my husband home, but his command on the naval base will.  James will be taking commercial flights from half way around the world on someone else's dime to be with me during this time.  Praise God.  It feels so good knowing someone in the Navy has me in their corner.  So often it feels like they treat dependents like burdens.  For once I feel like I am valued by them.  I will see my husband either Sunday night or Monday.  I guess that means I better clean the house. :)  I have no idea if they are going to send him back, but I am taking it one day at a time, and any time with my sweetie is better than no time at all.

This morning in the shower I thought:  Things always work out in our favor.  We just don't immediately recognize what that favor will look like.

We often want things right away, but more often than not, more goes on than we can see and understand that needs to happen in order for us to get what we want or need.  As long as we have the love and support of others, we can be patient knowing that good things will come.  So dance in the storm, and wait for your rainbow.  It's brilliance will shine when you aren't even looking for it anymore.  How great is the God that provides the trials that leads us to be closer to Him, while offering up the loving kindness of my family at iChange.com  I could not be more blessed.

Okay then

Someone just called me from the boat.  He said the nature of having my husband be active duty is that I need to make sacrifices, and that he isn't qualified to come home.  So the Navy will not pay for it, and so unless money appears out of nowhere, I have no way to get him home.  I will have to rely on friends who are all busy to take me home so that I take care of myself.  I need to go to school, so I'm not really up for crying at this point.  Pretty much, since I'm not going to die, they don't care.  Off to school I go while I pretend things are fantastic! Yeah!

Surgery scheduled

I'm having a thyroidectomy next Wednesday morning.  I'll be out of commission for 4-6 weeks and will not be allowed to exercise AT ALL. OMG.  The radiation will begin at that point.  I will be having a neck dissection to remove big patches of lymph nodes, and there is a risk of damaging nerves which may leave not only the right side of my face numb but also my right shoulder and my lower lip.  It'll go nicely with the nerve damage I got on the right side from my Le Forte I osteotomy.  I may also end up with a very raspy voice.  I suppose none of this matters as long as I'm alive.

Still going through red tape to get my husband home.  I send copies of the docs to husband, and they want the Red Cross to tell them the information, not me.  Every single day that passes that they don't have exactly what they need is another day I'm going insane from not being able to really face what's happening to me because I'm too busy jumping through hoops to obtain my primary emotional supporter.  It may be the military way, but I sure as hell don't have to like it.  My husband wants to come home and be with me as badly as I want him to.  He's getting pissed off because even after I gave proof of everything and whatnot he is still waiting.  He said he has a huge crick in his neck, can't sleep, and his blood pressure is really high.  I'm sure that's really beneficial to our situation--having him a nervous wreck and I feel bad for getting him to that point.

I bought a small pretty journal today at Target, which I'm fondly calling my Cancer Journal.  I will be doing my journaling there and copying down the journaling from the past few days.  I want to be able to get out everything on my mind and heart and also be able to look back on the journey I took.
I'm having to work with my teachers to be able to do my entire senior project on my own.  I can scan things and whatnot, but I won't be able to attend many classes for at least 2 months.  I was looking forward to enjoying time with my friends, but interestingly enough I'll be with my husband 24/7 if they let him go on convalescent leave.  He may be sick of me.  He swears he won't.  I'm not unpleasant when I'm sick or laid up, but he reallllllly loves to lay on the couch and do nothing.  Maybe since he won't be working, he won't have difficulty getting things done.  Maybe this is exactly what needed to happen to get unobstructed free time with my husband.  Who knew?

I'll be at the hospital for a few days, then will be spending a LOT of time at home.  Thankfully I have made my bedroom an amazing sanctuary and it will be a pleasure to spend time here.  I have my scentsy warmer, a trickling water fountain, a sound machine with my favorite sounds, a few different fans, the remote to my tivo, a big squishy bed to cuddle up with my honey and furkeebs in, and lots of comfy jamjams to wear.  :)  I'll miss having friends to talk to, but thankfully text is nice. :)  I'm sure I'll be spending lots of time on my laptop, too.

If anyone wants my contact information for any reason, let me know and I'll send it to you in a private message.  God forbid anything should happen to me, but if it were to, my husband has access to all my accounts and would inform you.  I'm being morbid, but hey, life is fragile and it may not always be there.  xoxo to all.  Thank you for your continued prayers.

Hard times

I've been emotionally eating all weekend.  I don't know how to deal with my new pain.  Just because it's the most curable form of cancer doesn't mean it's not scary to have.  It's pretty easy for others to toss logic at feelings and expect it to cancel them out.  Unfortunately that doesn't work.  It's not as helpful as you might think.  I'm capable of being positive and seeing the bright side, but I'm not a robot, and I do need to feel my real feelings.

The Red Cross called and asked for permission to go ahead with delivering the message even though they don't know when the surgery will be yet.  I said yes, but there's a chance they won't send him home without it.  I'm also lonely.  Everyone says I'm strong.  Okay, swell.  But how strong am I if I'm eating my feelings?  I'm just unhappy, I'm low on energy, and I don't know how I can handle if he doesn't come home.  It's one thing to distract myself and be busy all the time, but eventually the busyness settles and my feelings are there.  I've talked to family and friends, but when the phone calls are over, the feelings come back.  Nothing can give me what my husband can.  I really need him right now.  I really don't want advice.  I just want my husband to hold me.

Feelings, nothing more than feelings

I'm feeling scared and a little sad.  Just working on my homework.  I'm eager to see my husband.  I took a nap on the couch, and when I woke up I realized what was happening again.  So yeah. *sigh* I'll be okay, just kinda like doo be doo be doo. Ya know? :)

Biopsy Results

I have thyroid cancer and it's spread to my lymph nodes.  As soon as I found out I drove to my mom's, so I'm here now.  I'm e-mailing with the hubby and he said the doc needs to send a Red Cross message to get him permission to come home.  I haven't actually seen the doctor, and I won't until Tuesday at 11, so any other details are unknown.  I know that they will be running more tests and removing stuff in surgery.

Please keep me in your prayers.

Great day

I had an amazing day.  I'm on top of the world.  I got sunshine, had laughs, got lots of great news about school, ate really well, treated myself with another shopping trip, and my neck feels tons better.  My courthouse project from last semester was chosen along with one other student's from our class to have put on display on a poster I need to put together this weekend.  It will get displayed at the Fresno Appellate Courthouse which was my primary inspiration for the project.  I'm honored.  I hadn't heard from my husband since Monday and I finally heard from him today.  I got the chance to spread good cheer and laughter everywhere I went.  Time for a little nap, then some exercise, then bedtime.  Tomorrow morning I'm getting a massage again and then have therapy in the afternoon.  I'll be doing some case studies of scrapbook stores for my senior project, so my research involves going on shopping trips haha.  Yay! I should get my biopsy results in the next few days. Love to all. xoxo

Biopsy

It wasn't pleasant.  I joked my way through the whole thing to feel better, but the needle for the anesthesia sucked really bad.  They took several samples via fine needle aspiration but also took some chunks for bigger sample analysis.  The doctor had to bear a hole in my neck to get the bigger ones.  It hurts to keep my head up.  Just barely lifting it from my pillow is hard so I have to hold my head with my hands just to sit up.  Sore is an understatement.  I've been resting.  I didn't get to work out because moving just hurts too much.  School starts Thursday.  I'm not really excited about it because I've really enjoyed doing my own thing.  I'm hoping to remove myself as much as possible from drama this semester.  I'm over it, and I want no part of it.  This year is all about taking care of myself and my family, and I'm done with putting my needs aside to make people like me.  I'm the best wife, friend, daughter, etc. when I can take care of myself first.

Tomorrow

I'm getting my biopsy in the morning.  My mom and brother are coming to be with me.  I'm grateful to not have to be alone.  I was alone when I got my ultrasound and CT and was sad because I really needed emotional support.  Lately I've tried so hard to be there for myself, but I think that it's important to have support, too.

I had my CT results appt last week and found out my thyroid is fine, and that the nodules are on lymph nodes are on the right side of my neck, so that's where the biopsy will be.

My husband is nervous about it, but I'm fine.  No reason to be afraid until someone tells me it's...bad.  I guess that's me being strong since I don't really know a better way to deal with it.  If I go a different way in my mind, I'll just end up feeling sorry for myself, and nobody likes a downer.  Happy day!

Food, hunger, and biking

Today I was taking a snooze on the sofa and was thinking about my favorite meal that I've eaten at Marie Callendar's, the mushroom and artichoke chicken.  I had everything I needed to make it with, including similar sides.  It turned out amazing, and I'm so proud of myself.

I think my weight loss is helping curb my hunger.  I'm not ravenously hungry all the time like I used to be.  The gap between periods was a little longer than the last time, but I finally started and that's all that matters.  Usually most people are annoyed to have a period, but when I have it, I'm ecstatic because it means my body is getting closer to equilibrium, which makes it a safer place to conceive and carry a child when it happens.

I've used my recumbent bike three times already.  I put it in front of the tv in the livingroom until I get the guest room situated.  I didn't realize how much using it works my lower abs.  That coupled with the workout with my small exercise ball, my abs are feeling great.  it's kind of hard to get up, but i think that's a good thing hehe :) Yay for losing inches!!

Plans

I got my recumbent bike that I ordered from Amazon.  I need to put it together and get it goin woo!!  Might be hanging with my bro and his gf tonight.  Going to craft stores today to get fabric to make pillow slipcovers so I don't waste money on new pillows when I have 8 billion throw pillows to spare.  Also going to buy myself an easel to start painting and a few large canvas so I can make art for my house.  On Thursday I perused lots of art to buy and at $200 for a huge piece, I realized I'm talented enough to do it myself.  I'm taking a swing at impressionism for one piece and I'll do some large abstract pieces to match the rooms I'm putting them in.  Gotta tie together all the colors.  I love how David Bromstad paints, so I'll be watching some of his clips online to get some of his technique incorporated.  Also going to get some paint so I can refinish some pieces of furniture in my livingroom that are black.  I got new knobs for them and will be making them a soft color and distressing it a bit.  Sooo yeah lots of stuff on my list to get.  Also picking up another batch of clothes I ordered a few weeks ago--building my wardrobe slowly and as I can afford it.  That way it's ready and waiting for me when I get there :)  Happy times! <3

Yay!

Today, as I got dressed to spend the day with my mom, I realized my size 18 jeans were too baggy and just to see how many more inches I needed to lose to get into my brand new 16s (that I bought 4 years ago), I slipped them on.  I thought hmm okay maybe a few more inches.  But then they closed completely.  They fit.  I cannot tell you what kind of feeling that gave me.  I think it was elation.  My heart could barely contain the feeling, it was trying to burst out of me (instead of my tummy which is what used to burst out of my jeans haha).  Just thought I'd share my joy.  My mom took some pics of me and when I looked at the pics I was like OMG I'm getting skinny!!  It's so wild to see how much smaller I am.  And I'm only HALF WAY there.  I'm so excited and motivated.

My ring...

flew off at the grocery store today and went between two produce stands.  i had to ask an employee to move the stand aside to get my ring.  That is a nice problem to have haha. :)  I guess I can't wear it anymore.  OOPS.  A sexy man just picked me up JUST KIDDING. ;)

"Dating myself"

That may sound silly, but I realize how awesome that really is.  Giving yourself all the things you want your significant other to give you (within reason hehe) is a really nice way of saying to yourself, I am worth it, and I don't need to wish for it--I can meet my own needs and desires.  Today at the store, I bought myself some beautiful flowers, and they're in a clear vase on my mantle where I can see them :)  I also got myself a pink tulip plant to put in the kitchen so that I can be proud of myself everytime I look at it for all the great food choices I've been making.  Tomorrow morning I'm getting my first neck and upper back massage in my home--the massage therapist comes here :)  I'm also going to buy a nice bristle brush to do skin brushing.  I decided to get some 5 ingredient ice cream and I took one bite before I put it away.  It was so amazingly delicious.  I've been eating chemical-filled low-calorie bars that gave me little fulfillment because of how little like chocolate it actually tasted.  The more whole foods I eat, the more I start to dislike the processed low- or no-fat foods I've been eating.  I'm going to start incorporating organic options into my diet, and I'm hoping I will find a difference in the way I feel.


Tomorrow I'm going shopping for some decor for my great room.  I have an African theme to my livingroom right now.  I'm changing it to French Country.  I have so many styles I love, but I've finally decided this is the style that makes me feel most at peace with myself.  I will be starting a series of paintings to put in the kitchen and diningroom of the French countryside and of French cottages.  I'm also going to get a compact smoothie maker/food chopper.  I was going to get the Cuisinart one, but I read bad reviews about it, so I'll be getting the Magic Bullet.  I want to make smoothies more often (the blender gets clunky to use and wash because I have a really shallow sink) and I also want to start making my own peach and pineapple salsa.  I love to be able to make things from scratch because I know exactly what's going into my body when I do.  I used to always want to eat out, but now all I want to do is stay in and cook. :)